over the winter break i just returned from, i went through what i would say is one of the hardest things i’ve experienced. my relationship of almost a year and a half ended, not by my choice. when things like that completely blindside you, it can make you feel something equivalent of floating in space, completely unsure of anything and everything. you spend so long with a person and they start to be included in almost everything you do. even if they aren’t there, you may think of them when you see something, hear something, or do something. that person becomes intertwined and incorporated in everything you do, and being faced with the fact that they are no longer in your life can be incomprehensible.

as i’ve been learning how to deal with and move past my first breakup, i’ve turned to what seems like numerous people in my life, unsure of how to even begin going forward. it’s not like i expected that i would date this one person and find that he was the one i was going to marry, but i certainly did not expect things to end the way they did, and as a result i was very much caught off guard.

for me, change is always hard, and i do not particularly enjoy it. a breakup is one of the most significant times of change a person can experience, and is most certainly one of the most significant ones that i personally have experienced. it’s an odd thing to go out in public and go on with your life by yourself when you’re used to waking up to a text from one particular person, used to showing them things that remind you of an inside joke between you two,  used to putting on an item or clothing or jewelry that they gave you. after a breakup, i’ve noticed that so much is different. not only in the ways just mentioned. for me, it was like i had forgotten how to live by myself. i was so used to being attached at the hip to someone, and now that i’ve lost the person i talked to most and spent so much of my time with, i felt like i was in the twilight zone or something. a year and a half does a lot more to a person than i would’ve thought.

i may seem like i’m being dramatic, but keep in mind that this was my first romantic relationship and first breakup. but anyways, we were talking about change. in times of change, i am almost notorious for processing, reprocessing, and over processing every little detail of a situation. this one was no different. i’ve already ranted a little bit, so i’ll spare you the sob story. in my processing and over processing, i came to the topic of me. what i was feeling, what i wanted to do, where i was going to go. i came to one conclusion: while this breakup was not fun, it could not have come at a better time. i was nearing the end of my holiday break, i was about to go back to school, and i was about to start a new semester of college.  it was also about to be a new year. i know, i cringed when i thought of it, too. but honestly, what better time to be a newly single girl ready to reinvent herself? everyone else is trying to change, so why not me too?

the first thing i decided to address was my view of myself. as i often write about, i do not have the greatest self esteem, and tend to be very critical of myself. so now that i didn’t have someone who i knew could always make me feel good about myself, i realized i was going to have to be the one to hype myself up. this has always been a goal of mine, to view myself and treat myself in a positive, loving, accepting fashion. so, i’ve started taking actions to help myself do just that.

i know that losing weight is not automatically going to make me happy, i’ve learned this through personal experience. i have also learned, however, that treating my body well and right will.  i’ve put a workout plan in place, and am making very good use of the surprisingly well-equipped gym at my school. i’m tracking my food again, and i’m moving towards eating a clean, whole-food diet. i call it a diet, but i’m treating it as more of new eating habits. i’m only drinking water, eating my biggest meal in the morning and smaller ones throughout the day, and i’m cutting out processed foods. in the past, i’ve found that this makes me feel better overall, and i’m honestly excited to make these changes and see the results of them.

another thing i pondered over was my relationship with god. i knew this relationship with him was in need of some changes, as i could feel that he was not a priority in my life when i was dating. going to a christian college definitely has its benefits, as i have plenty of opportunities to grow, share, and find support in my relationships with people here and all of our relationships with god. i’ve found a church here in oregon that i really enjoy, and find either the message or one of the worship songs really connecting with or speaking to me every week. i also have multiple choices of small groups, bible studies, and chapels to attend and learn from, so in this aspect of my life i am actually very at peace. so far, i’ve been able to jump back into a strong and trusting relationship with god, just like before. i am not proud to admit that i strayed from god during my dating relationship, but i’m actively pursuing to return closer to him, and i think that’s what’s important at this point in time.

all in all, i’ve come to one conclusion due to the end of my relationship. i’ve been presenting with a great opportunity to better myself, mature, and move on. i now have nothing holding me back or keeping me tied to any aspect of my high school life, and i fully believe i am being presented with the chance to really take control of things and live my college life how i was meant to. i’ve had several close friends make comments about the fact that it seems like i’m about to be thriving, or that things really seem like they’re going to take off for me.

i obviously wish i didn’t have to go through such an immature, poorly handled, unfair breakup to a relationship i really enjoyed, but in the end, it happened for a reason. i really think that god timed everything perfectly, because going into this new year, he has set me up to discover, work for, and experience success. talk about a silver lining, right?

thank you for sticking with me all the way through this post! as you may be able to tell, it took me almost a month to write. between finding the right words, to processing everything as i wrote, to sitting through a painful time in my life, this post took a lot to bring together. i appreciate you taking the time to read it, and of course would appreciate any words of wisdom you have! whether your words are about relationships and breakups, fitness and eating habits, self care, or anything else, i’d love to hear from you! don’t hesitate to leave a comment or shoot me a message, all kind words are appreciated.

.xx

maren